Enough

I just don't want to go on anymore. I am so lonely and so tearful. I haven't got anyone who I can really talk to, no one has any idea of how low I am.

I've no interest in life, I only keep going for the dog because I have to. No goals, just too tired to exist any more. It's all pointless. The daily battle to function, for what?

Yet ANOTHER year has passed, another trail of reminders of being a failure. Work has been a bad move, too public and so much stress and exhaustion.I want out. a quieter life. I don't want to wake up any more.

Drowning is a swamp of chaos

So a few stress triggers:
Nan dying
Brother's anniversary
Car exhaust and no money
Lump
Mum not well
Stress at work
Looming birthday and another marker for failure
Depression deepens
Bad friendships

Yes, I want to escape

Has life started?

Ever wonder when your life will begin? Those all around you are succeeding, progressing, moving forward.

Yet you stand still, solid, stuck, like sinking sand

Another year has past, yet another. Any progress, as if! What's wrong, why?

Uncertain

A strange day. Have managed to do some cleaning but now feel totally shattered. Not sure how I feel about having another person in the house again, having had a week on my own. I thought I'd feel lonely but I haven't. The breathing space has been good to get to bed early and do as I please.

I'm not sure what to say now. I feel like I've moved on from my feeling of longing to fit in and be wanted. Its like a lifetime ago for me me, rather than a week. I want a selfish week where there's no interruptions in the house.

What now

Where to from here? I really don't know. A week of turmoil, of not wanting to come home tonight and not knowing what to do with myself next week. I don't want to be upstairs every night, but maybe that's how it has to be from now on.

I need to find a way to afford to move out. Not sure what the answer is though. My life has taken on a smaller circle, ever decreasing. Move out and gain some moral substance back but being overdrawn ALL of the time.

She's back

A waring day at work today. I feel the behaviour of my cross to bear escalating.

Tiny digs, lots of joint bitching, such a tiring day. Home and no one to talk to before bed. Early night at 8pm. Didn't even bat an eyelid or feel shocked at admitting to a colleague wanting to overdose at the weekend. Life has taken on a different lethargy.

I know that although I'll have a week off next week, I won't feel refreshed but will be expected to be full on back to work. Wish I'd stuck to my plan and had this week off now.

Painful living

In so much pain today with 7th week of headaches and feeling so tired. Just want to take an overdose and end it all. The only concern is Georgie my precious one and who'd be there for her, my dearest friend.

I've really compromised my morals this weekend and feel awful. I had enough emotional baggage without adding to it. What is it about me that people don't like? I just want out from it all. Need to tidy up first though so a mess isn't left for anyone and I couldn't do it here as that would have haunting memories for this room and house owner. I don't want to live any more. I'm worn out trying to make life feel okay. I just can't connect to people and be part of normal life.

My chance of marriage and children has gone and I've moved to that middle aged (don't fit in anywhere) category. I don't choose life any more. I don't want these lessons of loneliness, pretending to be strong and no one to talk properly to. Just feel a wreck, want to sleep and never wake up.

Failure

A word that haunts me, and right now, it's huge. My dual personality life is such extremes. People v real loneliness.

My ability to fit in, be loved and be seen as attractive are minuscule. What is it about me that is so awful that people stay away?

All the phrases about enjoying life, they mean nothing. If feeling so tired is what life is about, I don't want to wake up any more. Who would look after Georgie though if I died before she did? That's my only driving force to stay in this life. Nothing else feels like it matters. Everything is out of my reach.

Sinking heart

My head and heart can't cope with body urges and dealing with the aftermath of the heat of the moment. I feel like I come across as waiting in the wings and desperate.

I need to change my life but feel so stuck. Third time of being in a situation does not bode well for my reputation knowing that I'm not wanted.

It's going to be a lonely two weeks.

Spiral

Stuck in a spiral, the world is going around
Like a fish in a double glazed fish bowl
Fragments of shattered glass. Trying to tiptoe over them without getting cut feet

Trapped

Feeling total exhaustion, needing to sleep for 16 hours or more. I need a break.

I feel trapped in being connected to negative people who pretend that they are telling the truth, but I know they're not as they've told me that they're not.

I need some space where I can rest totally, be by the sea and just do nothing. My physical body is exhausted. I just want out

Endurance

'Life is too short'
'You're only here once'
'Live like today is your last day'

Well, in reality, life is an endurance. Aged 40 plus and what have I achieved? Nothing. I don't feel capable of functioning any more and I just want to sleep and not wake up. Think I'm going to chuck out my belongings, what's the point of keeping them? No point. Just clutter for someone else to clear up.

No place to call home

A day where I just don't want to go back to the house. It's not my house. I just want to be able to get my dog, go for a walk in the rain and go to bed with no questions. There's a full on weekend ahead that I actually don't now want to be part of in any way. Sinking heart.

Stuck in an empty world

The realisation that you don't want to go 'home' because home is a compromised life where you can't just totally switch off and not answer to anyone or anything. The strange concept where a noisy KFC is a refuge from everywhere you're known. A real urge to have your own home to literally do nothing for a month and not answer anyone.

Realising that you actually no longer have any goals in life; whats the point? The reminder via a conversation with someone to 'treat your body like a temple', yet not actually caring as it feels beyond repair and use to anyone (and it's definitely never been a temple or anything of beauty).

The inner conversation where you know you'll continue to be alone for the rest of your life as you just don't fit into the moulds that everyone else can function in, or the moulds where others love you. Suicide can feel so real and a simpler way of ending the complication of living.

To stop in your tracks and really think about what you're doing with your life is a tough one. Where am I going, what am I doing, who am I?

My dreams have fallen onto empty ground, time has past by too late. I really don't fit in anywhere. People think I'm popular and happy go lucky. It's the opposite in real life. Very lonely, the person people tend not to remember or consider important.

My surroundings are chaotic and disorganised like my mind. I never finish off a job I've started. I don't have a place to call my own anymore, somewhere to put my mark on and put some roots down. I crave stability and support so very much, yet it is now further away than its ever been. I don't think I'll ever manage it and there's no one I can tell. The lows come more rapidly now and take longer to dissolve. I don't even feel like I'm treading water, just stuck in my ever decreasing circle of life whilst everyone else's carries on with drive, motivation and ambition. I haven't anything positive to offer. I never thought my world could get any smaller and still it does.

Loneliness is its own cancer

It's a downward spiral. You feel low, so you back off for a bit. You realise then that you're the one who puts in the effort with your friend's as they don't get in touch.

Loneliness grows and it's harder to break out from it. The older you get, the worse it feels. Life isn't worth being alive for when there isn't anything positive around you.

You think it's an okay day, then your achilles heel comes to bite you. No break from work. Feeling tired and exhausted all of the time. Chaotic surroundings, lack of concentration, no inclination to be bothered with living. It's all too much effort and for what?

Another week, month, year of no progress apart from physically ageing, mentally feeling worse, a vast sense of failure and looking like an old hag.

Flat

Mixed emotions today. Regret, resigned feelings as a result of not such wise actions yesterday, but you can't change what you've done in the heat of the moment.

A step backwards in friendship and the confirmation that things don't change.

Words don't help the bad feelings inside. Put another mask on and try to move forward without feeling REALLY stupid and questioning my own morals.

Where to from here?

The black cloud and flowing tears

It's actually a struggle to want to live at the moment. I dread waking up. My world is spiralling into a smaller circle than ever before. I just want it all to stop. I can't talk to anyone without burdening them with my black world. I'm scared that the masks are cracking and I can't hold it all together any more.

My life feels so disassociated and disconnected from the real world. It's like I'm watching it all happen around me. I need a room where I can exist and not have money worries. I feel like a malfunction of life. I just don't seem to be able to function as an adult. I didn't function as a child. What a seriously screwed up human being.

No place to call home

The panic when you're in a room of people, yet feel so alone and just want to disappear. Not good when you haven't driven yourself somewhere :(

Suddenly feel very unstable with the thought of no home again. Not sure I can take many more moves on my own (and definitely haven't got the money to afford to live on my own). Not sure what the hidden meaning to moving is, but I suddenly feel unwanted and in the way. I always seem to get in the way of people, just don't fit in anywhere whatever I try. It's very lonely living like this where I can't tell anyone how I feel. Friendship lines are skewed and ilwill be lost once I move out. Another group of people gone.

Overlooked

Holidays and weekends are times that everyone longs to come quickly. Being single and the odd one out, they are the thing I dread most in life.

Not only does it emphasise how alone I am, but the compounded year on year failure to fit in comes to the fore BIG style. From a very young age I haven't fitted in.

My tears don't stop at the moment with loneliness and a sense of failure with life.Why am I so unlovable? My world is getting smaller and smaller. I've compromised on so much now, I feel guilty about having an opinion about anything. I'm never the one that people invite automatically. Bring an after thought in life is so hard and cruel.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up to this misery any more. The dog is the only thing that stops me from dying.

Current state

It's hard to describe being stuck in time, but that's how it feels. Like floating in a time freeze. Time ticks on, the sun rises and sets, yet the layers of complexity of life remain the same.

I feel like life has passed me by and I've missed out. I feel like things are too late. It's like my future has bypassed me and I've lived in a parallel world with invisible barriers.

Being alone feels like the sad realisation of my future. A dawning that I don't want to face. What is it that I'm doing wrong in life to not be loved or wanted? People say "you're great, you're amazing", but they're just words as I'm still alone, so I can't be that amazing can I?

Life has beaten any oomph out of me. I don't like bad feeling or arguments, yet women who behave like that always have a partner and men wanting them. It's not who I am. Many times I feel like a Victorian, old fashioned woman that no one wants. I was born at the wrong time.

The bubble of life - May

A day where my head could explode. Felt like an egg with sperm trying to force their way in from every angle. So many female hormones vying for attention amongst each other ... the volume levels increased to ridiculous level. Very poor communication with people talking over each other and not having the sense or maturity to let the other finish their sentence before butting in.

I heard a phrase this morning ... fail to plan and you're planning to fail. That's how it feels right now.

Is as it is

The strange feeling of being alive but feeling completely dead. Being overwhelmed by people, each having their own reason and cure the low. No one is able to accept that it just is as it is.

Drowning in a raging sea

There's a terrible isolation and feeling of failure for what I call life. If I strip out my job and my dog, there's is nothing else left. Life is racing by me as though I'm not part of it. Will anyone ever love me and see me as their special one? I fear I'm too late; that fear is like drowning in a raging sea any not being able to come up for air.