Wake up call

The man I know is my soul mate is going on a date. I can't show how gutted I am as that would make me a rubbish friend. If I didn't live under the same roof then maybe things would be different. I love being here though, we are like our own family unit so comfortable and, easy and safe. I can't make someone want or love me though if they don't. It feels so right when we are together. 

Killing time

Today is one of those days where I just don't want to go home. I want to get dog and run away to peace and quiet. I've had enough of all of the drama around me, none of which I've created. Work and home are both horrible. There's no room to breathe without hassle and attempting to tread water. There's no space for me to have problems of my own to work through. It's always about everyone else. Feel so isolated amongst the chaos. 

Impossible to win

When i man feels less than a man due to his perceived view of society's norm of men, there is no winner. He feels anxious, hurt, frustrated that he can't do things; he can't accept help and the feelings of inadequency multiply when help is offered or has to be sought. 

Being on the sidelines is just as tricky and upsetting. You don't know whether to offer advice, keep quiet, take the lead - all are wrong and all are seen as making him feel less of a man, when that wasn't the intention at all.

So instead of working through the issue using different skill sets to bring strength, both parties feel isolated, upset, lost, inadequate and a complete failure at being an adult in life. 

Enforced holiday jolliness

Black times
Exhaustion
Anger
Chaos
Feeling of being used and manipulated
Need 5 days of complete rest

Enough

I just don't want to go on anymore. I am so lonely and so tearful. I haven't got anyone who I can really talk to, no one has any idea of how low I am.

I've no interest in life, I only keep going for the dog because I have to. No goals, just too tired to exist any more. It's all pointless. The daily battle to function, for what?

Yet ANOTHER year has passed, another trail of reminders of being a failure. Work has been a bad move, too public and so much stress and exhaustion.I want out. a quieter life. I don't want to wake up any more.

Drowning is a swamp of chaos

So a few stress triggers:
Nan dying
Brother's anniversary
Car exhaust and no money
Lump
Mum not well
Stress at work
Looming birthday and another marker for failure
Depression deepens
Bad friendships

Yes, I want to escape

Has life started?

Ever wonder when your life will begin? Those all around you are succeeding, progressing, moving forward.

Yet you stand still, solid, stuck, like sinking sand

Another year has past, yet another. Any progress, as if! What's wrong, why?