Uncertain

A strange day. Have managed to do some cleaning but now feel totally shattered. Not sure how I feel about having another person in the house again, having had a week on my own. I thought I'd feel lonely but I haven't. The breathing space has been good to get to bed early and do as I please.

I'm not sure what to say now. I feel like I've moved on from my feeling of longing to fit in and be wanted. Its like a lifetime ago for me me, rather than a week. I want a selfish week where there's no interruptions in the house.

What now

Where to from here? I really don't know. A week of turmoil, of not wanting to come home tonight and not knowing what to do with myself next week. I don't want to be upstairs every night, but maybe that's how it has to be from now on.

I need to find a way to afford to move out. Not sure what the answer is though. My life has taken on a smaller circle, ever decreasing. Move out and gain some moral substance back but being overdrawn ALL of the time.

She's back

A waring day at work today. I feel the behaviour of my cross to bear escalating.

Tiny digs, lots of joint bitching, such a tiring day. Home and no one to talk to before bed. Early night at 8pm. Didn't even bat an eyelid or feel shocked at admitting to a colleague wanting to overdose at the weekend. Life has taken on a different lethargy.

I know that although I'll have a week off next week, I won't feel refreshed but will be expected to be full on back to work. Wish I'd stuck to my plan and had this week off now.

Painful living

In so much pain today with 7th week of headaches and feeling so tired. Just want to take an overdose and end it all. The only concern is Georgie my precious one and who'd be there for her, my dearest friend.

I've really compromised my morals this weekend and feel awful. I had enough emotional baggage without adding to it. What is it about me that people don't like? I just want out from it all. Need to tidy up first though so a mess isn't left for anyone and I couldn't do it here as that would have haunting memories for this room and house owner. I don't want to live any more. I'm worn out trying to make life feel okay. I just can't connect to people and be part of normal life.

My chance of marriage and children has gone and I've moved to that middle aged (don't fit in anywhere) category. I don't choose life any more. I don't want these lessons of loneliness, pretending to be strong and no one to talk properly to. Just feel a wreck, want to sleep and never wake up.

Failure

A word that haunts me, and right now, it's huge. My dual personality life is such extremes. People v real loneliness.

My ability to fit in, be loved and be seen as attractive are minuscule. What is it about me that is so awful that people stay away?

All the phrases about enjoying life, they mean nothing. If feeling so tired is what life is about, I don't want to wake up any more. Who would look after Georgie though if I died before she did? That's my only driving force to stay in this life. Nothing else feels like it matters. Everything is out of my reach.

Sinking heart

My head and heart can't cope with body urges and dealing with the aftermath of the heat of the moment. I feel like I come across as waiting in the wings and desperate.

I need to change my life but feel so stuck. Third time of being in a situation does not bode well for my reputation knowing that I'm not wanted.

It's going to be a lonely two weeks.