Stuck in an empty world

The realisation that you don't want to go 'home' because home is a compromised life where you can't just totally switch off and not answer to anyone or anything. The strange concept where a noisy KFC is a refuge from everywhere you're known. A real urge to have your own home to literally do nothing for a month and not answer anyone.

Realising that you actually no longer have any goals in life; whats the point? The reminder via a conversation with someone to 'treat your body like a temple', yet not actually caring as it feels beyond repair and use to anyone (and it's definitely never been a temple or anything of beauty).

The inner conversation where you know you'll continue to be alone for the rest of your life as you just don't fit into the moulds that everyone else can function in, or the moulds where others love you. Suicide can feel so real and a simpler way of ending the complication of living.

To stop in your tracks and really think about what you're doing with your life is a tough one. Where am I going, what am I doing, who am I?

My dreams have fallen onto empty ground, time has past by too late. I really don't fit in anywhere. People think I'm popular and happy go lucky. It's the opposite in real life. Very lonely, the person people tend not to remember or consider important.

My surroundings are chaotic and disorganised like my mind. I never finish off a job I've started. I don't have a place to call my own anymore, somewhere to put my mark on and put some roots down. I crave stability and support so very much, yet it is now further away than its ever been. I don't think I'll ever manage it and there's no one I can tell. The lows come more rapidly now and take longer to dissolve. I don't even feel like I'm treading water, just stuck in my ever decreasing circle of life whilst everyone else's carries on with drive, motivation and ambition. I haven't anything positive to offer. I never thought my world could get any smaller and still it does.

Loneliness is its own cancer

It's a downward spiral. You feel low, so you back off for a bit. You realise then that you're the one who puts in the effort with your friend's as they don't get in touch.

Loneliness grows and it's harder to break out from it. The older you get, the worse it feels. Life isn't worth being alive for when there isn't anything positive around you.

You think it's an okay day, then your achilles heel comes to bite you. No break from work. Feeling tired and exhausted all of the time. Chaotic surroundings, lack of concentration, no inclination to be bothered with living. It's all too much effort and for what?

Another week, month, year of no progress apart from physically ageing, mentally feeling worse, a vast sense of failure and looking like an old hag.

Flat

Mixed emotions today. Regret, resigned feelings as a result of not such wise actions yesterday, but you can't change what you've done in the heat of the moment.

A step backwards in friendship and the confirmation that things don't change.

Words don't help the bad feelings inside. Put another mask on and try to move forward without feeling REALLY stupid and questioning my own morals.

Where to from here?

The black cloud and flowing tears

It's actually a struggle to want to live at the moment. I dread waking up. My world is spiralling into a smaller circle than ever before. I just want it all to stop. I can't talk to anyone without burdening them with my black world. I'm scared that the masks are cracking and I can't hold it all together any more.

My life feels so disassociated and disconnected from the real world. It's like I'm watching it all happen around me. I need a room where I can exist and not have money worries. I feel like a malfunction of life. I just don't seem to be able to function as an adult. I didn't function as a child. What a seriously screwed up human being.

No place to call home

The panic when you're in a room of people, yet feel so alone and just want to disappear. Not good when you haven't driven yourself somewhere :(

Suddenly feel very unstable with the thought of no home again. Not sure I can take many more moves on my own (and definitely haven't got the money to afford to live on my own). Not sure what the hidden meaning to moving is, but I suddenly feel unwanted and in the way. I always seem to get in the way of people, just don't fit in anywhere whatever I try. It's very lonely living like this where I can't tell anyone how I feel. Friendship lines are skewed and ilwill be lost once I move out. Another group of people gone.

Overlooked

Holidays and weekends are times that everyone longs to come quickly. Being single and the odd one out, they are the thing I dread most in life.

Not only does it emphasise how alone I am, but the compounded year on year failure to fit in comes to the fore BIG style. From a very young age I haven't fitted in.

My tears don't stop at the moment with loneliness and a sense of failure with life.Why am I so unlovable? My world is getting smaller and smaller. I've compromised on so much now, I feel guilty about having an opinion about anything. I'm never the one that people invite automatically. Bring an after thought in life is so hard and cruel.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up to this misery any more. The dog is the only thing that stops me from dying.