The black cloud and flowing tears

It's actually a struggle to want to live at the moment. I dread waking up. My world is spiralling into a smaller circle than ever before. I just want it all to stop. I can't talk to anyone without burdening them with my black world. I'm scared that the masks are cracking and I can't hold it all together any more.

My life feels so disassociated and disconnected from the real world. It's like I'm watching it all happen around me. I need a room where I can exist and not have money worries. I feel like a malfunction of life. I just don't seem to be able to function as an adult. I didn't function as a child. What a seriously screwed up human being.

No place to call home

The panic when you're in a room of people, yet feel so alone and just want to disappear. Not good when you haven't driven yourself somewhere :(

Suddenly feel very unstable with the thought of no home again. Not sure I can take many more moves on my own (and definitely haven't got the money to afford to live on my own). Not sure what the hidden meaning to moving is, but I suddenly feel unwanted and in the way. I always seem to get in the way of people, just don't fit in anywhere whatever I try. It's very lonely living like this where I can't tell anyone how I feel. Friendship lines are skewed and ilwill be lost once I move out. Another group of people gone.

Overlooked

Holidays and weekends are times that everyone longs to come quickly. Being single and the odd one out, they are the thing I dread most in life.

Not only does it emphasise how alone I am, but the compounded year on year failure to fit in comes to the fore BIG style. From a very young age I haven't fitted in.

My tears don't stop at the moment with loneliness and a sense of failure with life.Why am I so unlovable? My world is getting smaller and smaller. I've compromised on so much now, I feel guilty about having an opinion about anything. I'm never the one that people invite automatically. Bring an after thought in life is so hard and cruel.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up to this misery any more. The dog is the only thing that stops me from dying.

Current state

It's hard to describe being stuck in time, but that's how it feels. Like floating in a time freeze. Time ticks on, the sun rises and sets, yet the layers of complexity of life remain the same.

I feel like life has passed me by and I've missed out. I feel like things are too late. It's like my future has bypassed me and I've lived in a parallel world with invisible barriers.

Being alone feels like the sad realisation of my future. A dawning that I don't want to face. What is it that I'm doing wrong in life to not be loved or wanted? People say "you're great, you're amazing", but they're just words as I'm still alone, so I can't be that amazing can I?

Life has beaten any oomph out of me. I don't like bad feeling or arguments, yet women who behave like that always have a partner and men wanting them. It's not who I am. Many times I feel like a Victorian, old fashioned woman that no one wants. I was born at the wrong time.

The bubble of life - May

A day where my head could explode. Felt like an egg with sperm trying to force their way in from every angle. So many female hormones vying for attention amongst each other ... the volume levels increased to ridiculous level. Very poor communication with people talking over each other and not having the sense or maturity to let the other finish their sentence before butting in.

I heard a phrase this morning ... fail to plan and you're planning to fail. That's how it feels right now.

Is as it is

The strange feeling of being alive but feeling completely dead. Being overwhelmed by people, each having their own reason and cure the low. No one is able to accept that it just is as it is.

Drowning in a raging sea

There's a terrible isolation and feeling of failure for what I call life. If I strip out my job and my dog, there's is nothing else left. Life is racing by me as though I'm not part of it. Will anyone ever love me and see me as their special one? I fear I'm too late; that fear is like drowning in a raging sea any not being able to come up for air.